Saturday, March 14, 2015

Cute Shit: Ridiculous Korean Foods & Snacks

There are plenty of them. Scanning through all of my photos for Dunkin' Donuts pics, I realised there were a few more sets of interesting ones I could use for similar posts. Per James Franco in The Interview, FEAST YOUR EYES.


This is one of those ingeniously simple million-dollar ideas everyone wishes they came up with and marketed successfully first. Honestly I feel like most things in Korea make no sense, but this is just brilliant. Maybe it's as simple as someone having been inspired by a rogue Seinfeld rereun? The world may never know.


This one isn't quite as brilliant, but it's a really good deal if you take the time to make it right. This box of 5 fat sticks is 2000 won at The Daiso, but DO NOT make it with hot water. It tastes like trashy, trashy garbage water with little soggy cornflake chunks. No. Make it with milk in a saucepan, and add two stick packets of sugar. Bam.


Purple taro milk tea? Delicious. And full of calories. One of my favourites after those purple (though they're not always purple, sometimes they're legit vegetabley) sweet potato lattes. Other delicious milk tea flavours you can find at various cafes include Earl Grey, rose, honeydew, and winter melon.



It's not just milk tea, either: milk comes in all kinds of flavours. Melon (like this one) and stawberry are the best ones to use as mixers for soju once you get so sick of its chemical horribleness that you can't stomach the taste anymore. There are also banana, coffee, and chocolate and cacao varieties which, it's important to note, are totally different. If you're American, skip the cacao. It's pretty disappointing.

Teensy weensy super light cheesecake (or "Cheese Souffle", from Paris Baguette)? Glorious.

This was also pretty glorious: the best convenience store cup bingsu (milky ice with red bean, in this case with some soft serve on top and something like 650 calories) I could find.

Yeah, I mean, just, fancy cream cheese and hot dogs any time. This one's also courtesy of Paris Baguette. :|

These are traditional Korean rice cookies. While ususally wheat-free, they may not always be vegetarian, as I think some contain gelatin. They look like little crunchy pastel poops. :3

I had never seen golden kiwi before; it's delicious. Have you?
... Oh. Well, I hadn't. And it's, uh, yeah. It's really good. 
And at the best of times, it's around $7 for 8 of them. At the worst of times, more than $10.

But I bet you'd also never seen... BAM! Golden watermelon! Hah!
These halves are about $9.


Behold, the insane nature of the ubiquitous and obligatory Chuseok gift box. Spam is also a popular one. It's basically crappy, everyday goods packaged in a box that isn't even that nice and sold for many times the normal price, because everyone expects gifts in the same format, so it's super easy to rip everyone off. That's 9 apples for $70 and 12 for $90.




Tornado potato! These are just a single potato cut into a ribbon, stuck on a skewer, fried, and then rolled in a powder of your choice, usually in a flavour like chili, cheese, or onion.


I may be all about the purple veggie-based drinks, and I've had purple potatoes, but I've got no idea what these crazy acid peas and rhubarb radish dealies are up to. Probably no good.


Hey! It's that delicious wartime ration everyone loves! Just gnaw on it until you absorb enough calories to survive the current leg of your lengthy sea voyage, another night in the snowy trench, et cetera.

"Remember that great snack we used to eat back in the 50's, when there was nothing else?"
"You mean that hardtack shit we ate because there was nothing else?"

"Yeah! Don't you miss it sometimes?"
"No, dude. No. There's nothing nostalgic about it. Horrible memories, images. The things I saw..."
"Oh. ... Well, I brought some! To have with the beer!"

"... ... Get the fuck out."


What cracked me up about these was the terrible packaging, nevermind the odd flavour. 

Look at that big boring washed-out yellow blank spot between the logo and the picture of the food. Look at that fucking "yogurt". Seriously, it was like somebody told an unpaid 19 year-old graphic design intern two minutes before the final design needed to be sent to someone else that they needed some kind of label on that jar so people would know it was yogurt. 

"yo-gurt", he typed unenthusiastically into the milky void that metaphorically resembled his future earning potential, not even bothering to center it.



The Korean teachers at my first job used to blow remaining budget that probably turned out to be stolen government money on ordering snacks, without asking any of us what we might want. One time they ordered a box of anchovies, and this is how it came. Just a box of anchovies. Why bother putting that little sheet of paper on top? They weren't even in a plastic bag.




Ah, rice pizza. It's a bit hard to see, but because of the black rice in the dough, it has a purple hue. I call this the best gluten-free pizza I've ever had, though in Korea it's just considered a cheap-ish option people wouldn't necessarily want to advertise, and with no concept of cross-contamination or food allergies, nothing can be certified wheat- or gluten-free.

But wait, purple rice pizza alone isn't weird enough: behold, the weirdest purple rice pizza I ever saw.
My former Australian coworker ordered it. On there you've got: onions, bell pepper, sweet corn, sweet potato (those lines), blueberries, and crab meat.

I was upset the first time these cheap fried chicken assholes fooled me with this at first glance. That's not funny when a bitch is hungry, yo.

Aaaand still not Mexican food ><