Thursday, October 17, 2013

Obscure Early 2000's Antiheroine and Crush

I always start a fun new category of posts meant to bolster this blog only to realise that it's not as easy as I thought to keep them going. In this case, I overestimated my knowledge of and exposure to tacky, ridiculous, under-appreciated, low-budget and otherwise random movies and TV shows of the 80's and 90's. 

You can see the first two here and here. At the present rate, I'm only posting one of these per year. Damn.

Welp, time to pick another decade!

Tilda Swinton as Rosetta Stone and her clones in Teknolust

Warholian Minnelli, definitely not accidental.
This bizarre little number grossed a grand total of $28K at the box office, which is probably about what I'm making right now. Pretty pathetic. 

It came out in 2002 and I first saw it on the Sundance Channel or something when I was about 14, so it struck me as really cool and became a quick favourite. I don't know what you'd call it; I guess it's basically cyberpunk even though it's really silly. Feelings of pseudo-futuristic nostalgia ooze from the set design, clothes, technology and random objects.

I took a shitload of screenshots while I was watching it because there isn't much online. The last time I searched a few years ago only a few images came up. So, you know, if you were looking for them or something.

Here's what I mean about the set design:

Look, it's DNA-themed! :B
Basically, Tilda-in-a-bad-wig creates three "self-replicating automatons" with her own DNA that are half human and half software: Ruby, Olive and Marinne. They live in secret rooms in (under?) her house that are heavily colour-coordinated, as are all of their clothes and accessories. They're critically deficient in X-chromosome, though, so they need to either ingest or inject spermatozoa regularly. 

Danger Will Robinson, danger! Sperometer is low!
Olive and Marinne have each other for company, though they never do anything or act explicitly sexual (which sucks for anyone hoping Tilda did steamy lesbian scenes with herself, I'm sure your numbers are many). Ruby, on the other hand, goes out and hooks up with random guys to keep them supplied. She also runs a popular "portal" on the "Net" where she gives talks about love and relationships as a supposedly fictional robotic entity.  

"Emote from your remote. E-Dream with me before you crash." -facepalm-
Ruby watches classic Hollywood romance flicks for inspiration, and they plug in to download updates and recharge at night. They don't need to eat or anything, just ingest.. sperm.

Oh, and Ruby also drives a Corbin Sparrow, though you hardly see it. I've wanted once since I saw this and was like, what is that adorable little mini-car, ermahgerd. The company that makes it used to make motorcycles and they actually seem really decent. 

She works hard for the... money. The "money".

"Succulent protein" that Ruby tries to use as a substitute at one point.
I don't know why, but they always make me hungry. Clearly just a generic
buttercream-iced cake doughnut.
Interestingly, Jeremy Davies plays a love interest, the same year he
was in 
Secretary as the annoying high school boyfriend.
... and boy is he awkward and strange.

Karen Black even has a small, amusing role as "Dirty Dick", a
flamboyant former agent who's called in to help figure out what's
going on with the dudes pictured below.

Because a "self-replicating automaton" apparently behaves like a virus, Ruby inadvertently infects the guys she hooks up with, even though she insisted on safe, colour-coordinated sex every time. Their harddrives crash and they get a weird rash with a barcode in the center between their eyebrows. The weird doctors they all go to for help only whisper, and tell them to stop eating wheat and dairy.

The symbolism is pretty heavy-handed, as you might be able to guess.

It's one of those things that you watch for the visual stimulation, so I haven't really spoiled anything. Give it a try, it's fun. And sexy!
If you were a real hipster your MacBook would look like this. Just saying. (It's got a handle!)

Eric Etebari as Ian Nottingham in Witchblade

This show ran on TNT from 2000 - 2003. It falls into the same genre as things like Buffy and Angel. I saw a few episodes when I was in middle school and thought it was pretty alright. The fact that Yancy Butler's brooding super soldier half-brother clone stalker and her sometimes-dead Korean-American partner were both handsome helped, obviously. Long hair on guys, man. Long hair and beards. 

I did the same thing as I did with the screen shots from Teknolust. I'll add more as I finish the second season. I will dominate these obscure Google Image searches. Then, the world.

Witchblade is also a long-running comic book that looks just as cheesy, but I kind of want to read it. Michael Rymer (director of the Battlestar Galactica reboot and Queen of the Damned, both of which were fittingly terrible) has been said to be at the helm of another remake since 2008.

Anyway, Eric Etebari used to be a model and worked with Karl Lagerfeld, Versace and Davidoff. I haven't seen anything else he's been in, but his cheesy acting fits right in with this show. Honestly, he channels Derek Zoolander. 


-wheels around dramatically-


-wind blows, tosses hair-

I call this one, "Can't Do 'Tortured Soul' So I Settled For Blank Stare".

-camera stays on blank stare ever-so-slightly too long-

I almost wish that the director of a series that literally can't go for more than 4 minutes without doing an unnecessarily dramatic, shaky, amateurish closeup could have given this guy what he wanted out of his screen time. That's really harsh; it's mostly just the first season that he's annoying. The second is better.

"Hey, don't talk shit. You'd have to be at least.. at least.."
".. THREE times better looking to judge me."
"Sigh. No one understands.."
"They can't even feel my feels because they're not convincing enough."
"Wait, I know."
"I could just kill everyone."
"Right, a really big rifle."
"Excellent. Like fish in a barrel. And this suit is so fucking well-tailored."

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